Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

Stand-up is so rewarding, and I enjoy the acting opportunities I've had, but the only time I really feel bad is when I feel like I have this manufactured belief that I should be doing something else or there should be some type of recognition. On an intellectual level, I know it's stupid.

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.