Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right?

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

I don't want to get involved in the culture war. Religion's iffy.

You didn't question - kind of like, you would go to college. You would wear a tie to work. You would, you know, you would work for 40 years. And then you would play golf for three years, and then you would die. That was how I was raised.