I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I'm a lunatic.

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."

What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?

I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.