I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I'm a lunatic.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

It really never came up, but I think that in present-day America, they're - you know, and I touched on it in the initial clip - is that we are in the middle of this culture war.

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.

It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.