I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

I don't want to get involved in the culture war. Religion's iffy.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'