You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!

Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!

I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.