You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.

I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.

You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.

I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me.

You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.