Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.

I was able to make the jump to theaters without having a TV show. My passion for getting a TV show just plummeted. It was like I had already achieved what I wanted to achieve.

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.