Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

I don't curse on stage, but I feel like I curse more because I have kids and in front of my kids. Not intentionally.

No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I’m not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. “Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.

I like to stay in a hotel where it's a dome of silence. I can sit in my room and do nothing.

Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.