Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.