They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."

My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can get that burned out on it.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged.

I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.