I've been outed as a Christian.

I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."

I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.

Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.