After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

I've been doing theaters like the Warner for about a year and we've found the earlier you get the tickets on sale the better idea you get on how many shows we will be doing.

I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.

Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote "these are WMD's" on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.