Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

I feel like, even in this crazy world of Trump getting elected and these things that really kind of caught me off-guard, I feel like I understand less than I did.

The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?

I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.

I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.