I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"

It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'

You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

My new years resolution? I will be less laz.