I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.

Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'

I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.