I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I'm a lunatic.

Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it's never enough. I think that's true. It's hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It's something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever.

I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.