I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

I worked on USA Today as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.