It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble."

Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?