Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. This is why I usually look like I've just watched a horror film on a rollercoaster. Kids love to scream. Frightened, happy, bored. They scream. I've actually learned to love the sound of a vacuum cleaner. It's just so peaceful.
Jim GaffiganI don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
Jim GaffiganWhat was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'
Jim GaffiganI was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.
Jim GaffiganI usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.
Jim GaffiganWeโre never satisfied when it comes to food. โYou know whatโd be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, letโs use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!โ
Jim GaffiganSome fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "
Jim Gaffigan