There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I’m not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. “Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.