You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'

The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.

My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.

I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."

Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.

You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.