Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?

Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.

Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.