Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?

We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.

Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.