Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

I definitely write about things that are universal, that everyone can identify with. You're supposed to write about things you're passionate about and I guess I am a foodie. I do love food and it's kind of like I'm an eccentric observationalist guy. To make it kind of universal, I try a lot of different things. When I first started writing this, I was like, 'No food.' Then, you know, it just always goes there.

I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.

Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.