I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

There was [ in New York] - some of it was this perception of the Midwest that I realized in this multicultural city that - and I don't think it's as true as it was - but everyone was kind of like, what, are you Jewish? Are you Italian? What are you? You know, are you black? Are you da-da-da? Are you Puerto Rican? And so I ended up - my ethnic identity was Midwestern, was white bread. And so it informed a lot of my stand-up.

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.