I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.

I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a while after that. Kind of like the first time you do a drug, you're like, "Huh! This is pretty darn good," and then you spend all your money trying to get the same high.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

I love my career, but I feel like you've got to babysit a lot of aspects of things. Assuming that things will be handled properly is just naive. But I think that's anyone's life, right? Even if you're running a construction site, it doesn't matter if you've been doing it for 20 years, you're still going to be blindsided by someone's incompetence or indifference.

Cancer is always funny.

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?