No matter how successful I got, my mother still thinks I'm a bad person, basically.

The thing about crazy people; they don't know they are crazy, that's what make them crazy.

God built the world, but he did not know it was round.

I want to make people think, and I don't want to come across like I am egotistical or that I want to change people's thoughts. I don't believe that as a comic I can convert anyone's opinion. I think I can maybe make someone look in one direction or the other but I can't make a religious person stop believing in God.

Stand-up is just me trying to be as funny as possible in the most concentrated hour with me standing on stage with no storyline, no plot line, and no character development.

There's a lot of guys up there who like wearing a suit or try doing jokes that they think will play to a certain crowd, or maybe get them corporate work. I've always written jokes that I would want to hear. So, I'm trying to entertain myself more than anything.

Nobody cares that you're smart and nobody cares that your kids don't have bruises.