Stand-up is just me trying to be as funny as possible in the most concentrated hour with me standing on stage with no storyline, no plot line, and no character development.

I think only things that are personal to us offend us. It's always bizarre when people who would normally laugh at an AIDS joke won't laugh at a cancer joke, but far more people know somebody who's died from cancer.

Christians are like a thirteen year old kid who still believes in Santa.

Here's the thing about people who believe in god... They're idiots.

The thing about crazy people; they don't know they are crazy, that's what make them crazy.

Before doing stand-up, I thought acting was easy - it's not easy. It's a hard life. It's easy in its own way, you just stand there and talk. But there is a difference between people who can do it well and people who can't.

God built the world, but he did not know it was round.