Because of the way I've made my money or the way I've conducted myself in public to get success, it doesn't make me any better a person. So I always thought money and achievement would make me a more legitimate person, where my family seems to think it's all about actions.

If you hate gay marriage, then don't marry a gay person.

I wouldn't perform in front of the Nazis. I hear they didn't take freedom of speech too well. It would be a fun gig to rip into them, but I don't think the ending would be great for me.

Christians are like a thirteen year old kid who still believes in Santa.

Stand-up is just me trying to be as funny as possible in the most concentrated hour with me standing on stage with no storyline, no plot line, and no character development.

Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

I think only things that are personal to us offend us. It's always bizarre when people who would normally laugh at an AIDS joke won't laugh at a cancer joke, but far more people know somebody who's died from cancer.