Dammit, don't you dare ask God to help me!

Not that anyone cares, but there's a right and wrong way to clean a house.

[To the mother of two unruly children in a restaurant after the woman said she really didn't know what to do with her children:] Have you tried infanticide?

Recently I heard a 'wise guy' story that I had a party at my home for twenty-five men. It's an interesting story, but I don't know twenty-five men I'd want to invite ta a party.

My God, I'm four hundred years old and the most I can do is look three hundred.

Care for your clothes, like the good friends they are

I remember most clearly when a teenage Christopher spat in my face. He said, "I hate you". It's pretty hard to overlook that. I couldn't.