Apparently we love our own cell phones but we hate everyone else's.

If you hate what you're seeing, you call it sex and violence. If you like it, you call it "romance and adventure."

I love Martin Scorsese, but there's another indication of what The Oscars are all about. They've ignored Martin Scorsese for going on 35 years now, and I wouldn't be surprised if they passed him over again. He'll get one of The Oscars they give you at the end of your life because they feel guilty for never giving you an Oscar.

I hate The Oscars. The Oscars make me want to throw things at the TV. In the ancient history of The Oscars, people would go on and make political statements and get thrown off the stage, but the last great political statement, I think, was when Michael Moore started raging against Bush a few years back. Everybody booed him, even though I can't imagine Hollywood booing a guy who's bashing Bush. That was the last great spontaneous moment on The Oscars.

The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother.

As I've said many times, the single most oppressed class in America right now is the teenager.

You're not a real Texan till you've been kicked out of every decent state in America.