You're not a real Texan till you've been kicked out of every decent state in America.

I hate The Oscars. The Oscars make me want to throw things at the TV. In the ancient history of The Oscars, people would go on and make political statements and get thrown off the stage, but the last great political statement, I think, was when Michael Moore started raging against Bush a few years back. Everybody booed him, even though I can't imagine Hollywood booing a guy who's bashing Bush. That was the last great spontaneous moment on The Oscars.

The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother.

The Italians always made good wine, but you had the impression they were friendly guys in straw hats running family vineyards with slaves or something so that the vino was never more than ten bucks a bottle.

As I've said many times, the single most oppressed class in America right now is the teenager.

Discourse is fleeting, but junk mail is forever.

I AM a male chauvinist. Who's been saying otherwise?