I really feel like it's a travesty to make a child famous. I really do.

Our entire civilization is built on a foundation of unfixable bullshit.

Omigawa is moving forward like a karate robot

Any comic like myself owes everything he has to Lenny Bruce. He was the originator. The godfather of uncensored American stand-up is clearly Lenny Bruce.

The comics I hate are thieves. Nothing's more disgusting than a guy who steals another person's ideas and tries to claim them as his own.

I have this thing built into my contract that the club has to put up a sign that says my act "contains the strongest language and material content imaginable," but, believe it or not, I still get complaints. People want you to be what they want you to be. If they see you on TV and that's what they like, they want you to be EXACTLY like that when they see you live. And if you're not, some of them get upset.

If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure.