If I like chocolate it won't surprise you that I have a few chocolates in my fridge, but if you find out I've got 16 warehouses full of chocolate, you'd think I was insane. All these rich guys are insane, obsessive compulsive twits obsessed with money - money is all they think about - they're all nuts.

That's a lovely experience when you make an audience laugh. Then the nerves go away for a bit. And sometimes you do things then that you've never done before that are really funny.

All humour is critical, you know? You make stupid jokes. I mean, stupidity is an infirmity, isn't it?

Either people walk round dressed as chickens or they listen to Beethoven.

I was a terrible dancer. I dance like an Englishman.

British press think entirely in clichés, and when they do come across creative work, they think that it must be based on something, because they don't realize that you can create things that aren't based on things.

The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip.