I wish you wusses would stop whining about your unhappiness. I'm really fed up with it. Pour yourself a scotch and pull yourself together. Go out and shoot something!

When you've been doing comedy for forty years, you really do know most of the jokes. And even if you don't know a specific joke, you can pretty much guess what it's going to be.

The writing is the most important bit, and performing it is just closing the circle because I'm less likely to screw it up than anyone else.

The really good idea is always traceable back quite a long way, often to a not very good idea which sparked off another idea that was only slightly better, which somebody else misunderstood in such a way that they then said something which was really rather interesting.

The great thing about Florida is you - each city's about two hours' drive from everywhere else.

I used to desire many, many things, but now I have just one desire, and that's to get rid of all my other desires.

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?'