The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip.

I'm not sure what's going on in Britain. I don't know what's going on in London. Because London is no longer an English city, and that's how they got the Olympics. I mean, they said, "We're the most cosmopolitan city on Earth," but it doesn't feel English.

In Britain, girls seem to be either bright or attractive. In America, that's not the case. They're both.

Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited.

The Americans all love 'The Holy Grail', and the English all love 'Life Of Brian', and I'm afraid on this one, I side with the English.

When people say 'I'm not a prude, but ...' what they mean is 'I am a prude, and ...'.

It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor