I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it's a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it.

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

Part of standup is being loose and having a good time yourself and that translates to the audience.

I don't know if there's a strategy really so much as, like I learned doing standup and had to learn fast, you always just try to give your favorite, strongest stuff as early as possible and you start with what you like the most.

Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken

With the first episode [of John Mulaney Show] I tell a story that happened to me accidentally chasing a woman down the subway.

In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.