Humor is how you change people's opinions, and if you can make someone laugh, they'll listen, even if they hate you.

The further away I am from water, the less well I do!

I'd rather have a daughter in a whorehouse than a son in the police force,' Esther used to rage to anyone who would listen.

I always feel bad when I meet celebrities and I can just tell every single thing about their personal life, I just say, "Well, they don't have friends. Or a therapist." Once you have both, you don't have to share everything with people, because then you don't have a private life, and then you're, I guess, a workaholic.

As far as socially redeeming value, I hope I don't have any.

"How could you think of such awful things?" liberal critics always ask. "How else could I possibly amuse myself?" I always wonder.

The only time I had a normal boyfriend was during the time of AIDS, so maybe that saved me. It's certainly not karma.