Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

I've worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining whatever public I had - and to make myself ready, whenever the breaks came, to entertain a wider and more demanding public.

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.