Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.