We're more effective than birth control pills.

I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now."

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.