I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now."

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.