It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

I can't go anywhere without being bugged by somebody. I'd love to just hike out down the street, or drop in a restaurant, or wander in the park, or take my kids somewhere without collecting a trail of people. But I can't.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.