If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.

In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.