If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.

I've worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining whatever public I had - and to make myself ready, whenever the breaks came, to entertain a wider and more demanding public.

I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself... Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.