If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.

I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters!

I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.