Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

People are brought up to think, "It's nice to be modest. It's nice to hide your light under a bushel." Well, bullshit! I've never bought that. In my business, the only thing you've really got is your talent; it's the only thing you have to sell.

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.