Who cares what entertainers on the air think about international affairs? Who would want to hear me about Vietnam? They can hear all they want from people with reason to be respected as knowledgeable.

Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.