Who cares what entertainers on the air think about international affairs? Who would want to hear me about Vietnam? They can hear all they want from people with reason to be respected as knowledgeable.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

I've worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining whatever public I had - and to make myself ready, whenever the breaks came, to entertain a wider and more demanding public.