Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner.

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.