If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.