If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.