Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

I don't run with anybody's herd. I don't like crowds. I don't like going to fancy places. I don't like the whole nightclub scene. Cocktail parties drive me mad. So I do my job and I stay away from the rest of it.

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.