I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

I've worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining whatever public I had - and to make myself ready, whenever the breaks came, to entertain a wider and more demanding public.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

Only lie about the future.

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.