I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them.

In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.