The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.

Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&!

The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.

I feel like the only thing that I can do, and I've been fired from enough jobs, that I'm pretty confident in saying this, the only thing that I can do, even a little bit better than most people, is create that sort of that context with humor. And that's my way of not being helpless and not being hopeless.

I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day and said, "I'm going to sit here in a ball and rock back and forth. And won't you join me for a half hour of sadness."