People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.

'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for?

My friend Bill O’Reilly is completely full of sh*t.

There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations.