I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.

Are you worried that, when you go to hell, you'll only be taking the local and not be on the express? Why would you look for a loophole to deny coverage to children with preexisting conditions?

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

They create these rules and argue about things we don't even understand. It is like watching soccer. You sit there and you're sort of amused, but most of the time you're thinking, pick up the ball! That's what you're thinking.

Stephen Colbert is also then turned into news.

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.