The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.

The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.

Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: DON'T stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

[John McCain] stopped connecting and just looked at my chest and decided, "I'm just gonna continue to talk about honor and duty and the families should be proud," all the things that are cudgels emotionally to keep us from the conversation. But, things that weren't relevant to what we were talking about.