I'm not trying to be modest of self-deprecating or in any way trying to do that.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

This is what happens when you don't let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite.

I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege.

Don't confuse [Father's Day] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh, even if they do like chocolate, they don't want it from their son.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first.