There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns... the writers are back!

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.

I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege.

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.